At some point, you've got to decide for yourself who you gonna be. Can't let nobody make that decision for you.” – Juan from the movie Moonlight
Who I am gonna be?
At 59, it's a pretty weird question. When I started this project, I wanted to find my dream, or more accurately, to find out if I even had one. But as the days tick by and the challenges continue to mount, I wonder instead… do I even need a dream?
This, my friends, is at least one question I can answer.
No, I don’t.
Dreams are great. I mean, who doesn’t want to conquer Mount Everest? Actually, not me, but I digress. My dreams of a perfect body, a Ph.D. in Literature, a blockbuster career as a novelist—or maybe a fabric designer, or an organizational psychologist who champions economic justice—all sound kinda great. They have all sounded kinda great for decades now. But here’s the thing:
I am almost 60.
It’s time to decide who I’m gonna be. However, I’m much better at knowing what I don’t want to be.
I don’t want to be someone who spends another single solitary moment supporting a bully ever again.
I don’t want to silence my voice just to avoid conflict.
I don’t want to ride on someone else’s coattails.
I DO WANT my life to reflect my hopes, my desires, and the person I am right now—not the person I wish I was. And this brings me back to today, and where I am on the journey right now.
It is a story in the making.
My little business is starting to take shape. I am solid with Gig #1 and am two weeks into Gig #2. At 59, I am meeting new people, learning new processes, and trying to get a grip on new expectations. My nemesis, perfectionism, is taking a beating, and that is probably the best part. Kick that bitch to the curb.
I’ve been scared out of my panties, and instead of encounters with sirens and cyclops, I encounter my own personal demons of fear, social anxiety, and insecurity. They are no longer the enemy, however. Instead, they are more like an army of informers who give me the skinny, the scoop, the intel. It is up to me to decide what information is useful and what is not.
My story, my rules.
As I stumble and tumble my way through this journey—from desolation to desperation to determination—I am building something and crafting my life on my own terms.
It is hard, and it is worth it.
I am worth it.